It's that time of year again, where I do some combination of celebrating my life and ponder my inevitable demise. This year feels different, and I'm gonna try and unpack why that is.
The year started poorly right away, when 350 of my colleagues and I got laid-off from Angi. Really put a damper on celebrating my four years with the company. I took it in stride at first, but somewhere deeper it was grinding me. March seemed to show promise, when Diana scored a new gig with Blue Man Group, literally on our way to our next cruise out of Ft. Lauderdale. That trip started out well, but Simon ended up being a handful, and I had my first real meltdown in quite a while, and not the last of the year. Diana had her appendicitis right after that, followed by weeks of complications that delayed any kind of normalcy for her. I continuously had one in-progress potential job lead most of that time, but got nowhere on cold applications. (I've got a whole post-mortem for that in the works.) Getting to the end of the school year was like torture. Most recently I had this CT that isn't alarming, exactly, but I can't say I'm in a "zero risk" category.
It wasn't entirely bad. I built TogetherLoop, which is only used regularly by a few people, but it satisfies my need to publish without gratuitously wide over-sharing. In fact, I feel like I became exceptionally good at slinging the AI robots to make stuff, and that makes me happy. I had a solid Code Camp talk. Our more recent cruise was awesome, upgraded and legitimately relaxing, if a bit too short. I've seen Diana's new show a bunch of times, and it brings me joy every single time. It doesn't get old. Oh, and we've had a more regular rhythm of "puzzles and LEGO" time.
But while there is good and bad, I find myself incapable of really feeling joy on any consistent basis. Some of that has been the job hunt, which to be clear, is partly about me not chasing really crappy "opportunities." But I've struggled to figure out where work fits in my life. Part of it was just that I really enjoyed working with my team, and it sucks not working with them. If that weren't enough, I see a future that is financially somewhat secure, or would be if I didn't have to wait seven years to get at most of it. It's very real that I'm not going to wait until 65 to retire, er, offboard to fun work. Add in the recent health realities (I can't really classify them as "problems"), and everything just feels weird. I'm already dreading what school looks like in the fall. I almost completely ignore the news and our political shitshow. I don't have anything left for that.
I suppose this is what they mean by midlife crisis, though mine is coming a little later than typical. I feel like I'm in a state of transition, change, limbo or something that is unsteady and uncertain, despite having a pretty clear vision of how the next five years play out. It might be the first time I've ever been able to answer the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
The next week, starting Sunday, should be about fun. I start the new job the week after, so the timing is actually excellent. With that start, I have to make some lifestyle adjustments. No more soda at lunch, less snacking, more movement, and I probably should abandon weekend drinks until at least my next blood draw. Even if my triglycerides are not materially affecting my health, losing a little weight would certainly result in overall better health. I did it when we moved here, and I'm sure I can do it again.
I've got somewhere between 30 and 50 years to do my thing. I can't sit around moping in that time.
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