I've been reading a lot of stuff lately on what various people think that it means to be a parent, and the psychological consequences for parent and child. Like everyone, I have an opinion on that.
The top line thing for me about being a parent is that it was my (our) choice. My kid had no part in deciding that. That informs a lot of the way that I look at my daily role in raising Simon. He is not obligated to like me, or even care about my role in his life. As a teenager, he'll probably mostly not like me or my decisions, which is normal. That doesn't mean that I don't want him to exercise empathy, for me or anyone, but I do think that there's a long-tail game of me having to earn that. Despite the friction, I do think that, as an adult, he'll get that.
That means being involved. I want to teach him to drive. I want to talk to him about relationships and sex, however awkward it might be. I want to talk about being different, about autism, about feeling lonely. I want to give him the reprieve of travel and vacations. I want to encourage healthy behavior.
It's my duty to care about what he cares about. I admit, this is hard. But for example, I know that gaming is important to him. Computer use is important to him. I don't always have the mental bandwidth to engage in what he's doing, but I am reluctant to find it burdensome or annoying, because adults expressed those feelings toward me growing up, when all I wanted was to desperately sit in front of a machine and make it do stuff as a kid. I can offer ideas about things to look into, but it's ultimately up to him, in terms of what he's into.
I don't feel like I have to protect him from all the things. I've never held back swearing in front of him, because I think that vilifying words only makes them more tempting to use. He's going to use those words anyway, at some point. I just don't want him using them at school or in polite company. To this point, I think I'm getting this right. He knows right and wrong, and appreciates the context.
If I were to summarize, I think that being a parent places more responsibility on the parent than the child. That's the contract. He doesn't really owe me anything, because his very existence was my choice. I'm not saying that he doesn't have any responsibilities, since teaching him self-care and independence is part of the journey.
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