It may be obvious that I've not written about parenting or the school situation this year. That's partly because the situation is evolving, and it's partly because it's mentally and emotionally draining to even think about much of the time. The weird thing is that I can legitimately say that things are better... and worse.
Our boy was accepted into a very exclusive program that works with kids who have ASD and associated things like ADHD and anxiety, provided that they don't exhibit violence or self-harm. There are about as many staffers as there are kids, all of which are in high school. What this means is that the ratio favors more individualized attention and actual execution of an IEP. We're hearing from teachers almost daily, not always for positive reasons, but the level of communication is extraordinary. If I had to guess about what makes high school difficult for him, some of it was the social aspect, which is greatly reduced given the small class sizes. Because he processes certain things slowly (but not everything, we're learning), he can get behind, but not nearly to the extent that he did last year. His grades are significantly improved, not because it's easier, but because already the teachers see different ways and strategies to help. It's awesome.
That said, there are factors that make everything simultaneously harder while things are better. Start with the fact that teenagers are a hot mess of hormones and defiance, and from an emotional maturity standpoint, he's still a year or so behind. But the bigger problems fall into two areas that are hard to correct. The first is that he has leaned into a demand for accommodation at every turn, shunning accountability in the process. It started in the school he did for grade six, a private school that in retrospect was more of a sitter service than education. Middle school was much better academically, and in no small part because of his principal, who was transferred there from his earlier elementary. It wasn't easy, but he had people looking out for him. Last year, with 3,000 other kids, the school basically gave up trying to help and gave him exits from responsibility instead of helping him learn. Admittedly, we've probably contributed to this as well, more for our comfort than anything.
The other area is about gaming, which isn't strictly about playing games, as it's also a social outlet for him. One of the friends he made a few years ago at that terrible private school is an enduring connection. When it's not online play with that circle of friends, he's very into simulations of every kind. Roller coasters are a big part of it, but then he also gets into unlikely things like Farm Simulator. I have the baggage that my deep interest with computers as a kid was treated as a nuisance more than something to foster. While this is different, because computers are now ubiquitous and he's using it for entertainment and social interaction, I don't want to take this away from him. The problem is that he responds as an addict when he has to prioritize school work, or anything else. It consumes him. We need him to literally detox.
Even though there's less work, the homework is still contentious and stressful. Diana helps him quite a bit with math and is generally pretty good at it, provided he's compliant and engaging. She's fantastic. I've been helping him with a video game design class that he's taking virtually, and that goes pretty well. The other subjects it kinds of depends for me. Today we got through some reading stuff pretty easily, but when we went to the next bit of work on it, he flipped out in part because he didn't expect it. I was so angry that I went out to my car and sat in it for a bit. About those expectations though...
I have a growing opinion that the biggest challenge in teaching kids who are not neurotypical is that the entire focus is on accommodation without accountability. As a part of that, experts and countless amateur bloggers and advocates emphasize smoothing the path for these kids (transitions, structure, etc.) instead of figuring out how you teach adaptability and coping mechanisms. Maybe you do both, but the latter doesn't seem to happen. I'm not an expert either, so I'm drawing on my own experiences. The neurotypical world is never going to change, so it seems to me that the answer is teaching adaptation and coping. Adaptation for me in the moment is still difficult, and also exhausting, but what choice do I have but to roll with it? Applying this to my child means that I have to allow him to be deeply uncomfortable, maybe even unhappy, in the moment to help him in the long run. It sucks. I feel as if too much of his accommodation has been to help him avoid discomfort.
I'm getting better at compartmentalizing a lot of things, but parenting isn't one of them. I react emotionally, a lot, and often in anger and fear. Diana worries that my relationship with him will be poor, but he always comes around after the worst of it, usually apologetic (whether or not I deserve it given my part in the conflict). In the moment he "hates" me and believes that I don't understand him, but we always talk about it later. I've heard him say things to his friends online that imply that he looks up to me, so I take that seriously, but I can't protect him from discomfort. I just don't believe that protection would serve him.
His teachers are fantastic, but I worry about him being disruptive and disrespectful, because he has done that already. If he ever did anything to get booted out of there, the fallout would be devastating. This really is his best shot, and he's getting a legit education. It really is better, and worse, but hopefully he's 31 months away from graduating. There are positive signs too, because he takes driving very seriously. He talks a lot about working in hospitality, specifically theme parks, so my hope is that he can embrace being kind and helpful in a world that may not reciprocate that to him.
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